Why do I get emotional when I think about God. Is it because I have doubted him for such a long time? I can not describe why I get emotional, I have not been hurt nor heartbroken. God has made me in touch with my emotions (crying). Is it going to be like this when I am walking in my calling out in the world, will this be my signature?
I mean, crying is not so bad, is it? I thank God for salvation for saving me because I don’t know where I would be in life trying to make sense of things. I would just keep going down the wrong lane. I knew God was able, I listened to gospel music. I read the bible but it seems like it wasn’t enough. I was just mocking God, I was “killing time”. Yes, I had my moments during the past years where I would commit and then fall off the wagon. It felt like the world was a drug and I would try to stay sober but before I knew it, I am back high on this drug but there was no service to help me with this addiction. I would increase dosage each day but I not realise I was looking for the next high. Alright, I went to church here and there but was I really going to worship or I was going to monitor people, not really listening to the word and applying it to my life.
I was baptised twice, Catholic and SDA but still I needed salvation. I had dreams that i believed God was showing me and they were so real. Some of them happened. I had friends who would commit to church every Sunday. Why did they not try to bring my soul to God? Were they really committing to church? It had to take a pandemic to change me. what a time! Now I wonder, what would I have said if the second coming had happened? What would have been my excuse if God had said, “okay tell me 5 things you did for me and all will be forgiven”. This would have been interesting, I would have lied, yep lied. Does this sound familiar?
The serpent lied to Eve and gave fake promises. I mean, what makes me different from the serpent? I was the advocate of payback, stealing, anger, lies, fake friends, not honouring my parents. Oh well, everyone is not perfect, right? But not everyone would be hosting parties were sin was the centre of them. Wait, but not everyone was bringing souls to the devil in the sense of having fun. Which master was I serving, which kingdom did I belong to? I know I was not serving God and I was not seeking his kingdom therefore, it’s quite obvious who I was serving and which kingdom was I seeking.
Don’t pity me! Save you sympathy for better people who are worthy because I was digging my own grave willingly. At least , I should have tried to follow religious rules. Don’t tell me that we are all sinners because this is a personal thing, salvation is personal. Spare me these excuses because I don’t want to hear them. I don’t need comfort from anyone, I am ready to face up and woman up to what I have done.
I am ready to humble myself before God and lay it all down from A - Z and I am not sorry if your name is going to come up in my conversation with God because mate, I am worrying about my salvation. Everything must be said. What my heart wishes is to inherit the kingdom of God, to serve God the rest of my days on this earth, to be obedient and to listen. I don’t need your sympathy, I don’t need you to feel sorry for me because you are not going to save me, you are not bringing salvation to me, you are just a mere human, why should I relay and put my hope in you. You want me to idolise you huh, alright alright I get it. Oh, you have a high position in church now I get it, that’s why you want me to be a follower, you want to cage me, you want me to be under you, you want to feel good about yourself, alright, selfish is what you are. Stay away from me with your religion I don’t want it, I want Christ, I want God, I want the Holy Spirit.
Alright alright, you have been through it, you have testimonies and you praise God but do I know your heart though, so why are you trying to convince me that you are with Christ mate, please worry about yourself and quit trying to convince me you are of God, let God confirm it to me. Let the Holy Spirit confirm it to me. Oh, you are scared. You are annoyed because I refuse to be of you and I have decided to be of God. Alright, you church goer, yes you, you have been reading this entry thinking to yourself, oh lord, this person is troubled, shame on you for judging me, shame on you for trying to convict me, shame on you for thinking you are in better shoes than mine, shame on you, yes you pastor’s daughter, shame on you! Is your father going to give you back door entry into heaven, are your mother’s prayers going to bring you salvation? why are you acting like you are of God due to your care giver’s commitment to the cross?
Let‘s come to an understanding, let’s get this straight, loud and clear. We are all serving God in ways we can, we are all trying our best to be obedient and listen to God, we are all trying to be on the list of everlasting life, we are all trying. Therefore, quite this nonsense of saying you are better and the other person is not. We all have the same aim which is inheriting the kingdom, it’s not a competition friend, only God knows who is righteous.
Please keep your religion and I will keep my Christianity. Keep your years in Christ and I will keep my baby steps. Please mind your own business and keep at it and stop convicting people. Thank you very much, I say all this on behalf of all the souls that are waiting to be saved, mic drop. P.S PLEASE FEEL FREE TO GO TO OUR DADDY OUR HEAVENLY FATHER IF YOU FEEL THAT I HAVE OFFENDED YOU.