• How to Understand Manipulation

    Annabel Lee is an absolutely wonderful woman with a plethora of stories on her experience of cycling through growing up with a Cluster B mother and, naturally, growing up to have at least two narcissistic relationships and various other Cluster B friendships. How to understand narcissism is a different post because narcissism, in itself, is a topic that has extensive angles. Narcissistic traits are present within every human and are becoming more and more normalized through social media and our own, slowly-manipulated perception of what holds value and what doesn’t. Gaslighting is the process of changing the reality of a situation by means of a narrow point of reference in which the importance is placed on whoever is not being gaslighted. Narcissism, narcissistic traits and Cluster B personality disorders are all defined by this essential maneuver. Without it, narcissists have no chance of having any chance at an extended source of narcissistic supply. Healing from narcissism requires the perspective of understanding why gaslighting happens, how to maintain the reality calmly and, eventually, not allowing gaslighting to even occur. Gaslighting happens in the minutia of a situation and usually doesn’t account for the ‘big picture’. We get caught up in the tit for tat that it’s easy to forget why we are even discussing. Gaslighting is the narcissist’s method of not confronting their own real self because that real self is nowhere near perfection. Narcissists are defined by their own self-idealization and it’s an entire anxiety attack to even admit imperfection. Anxiety isn’t even the word. A level of self-loathing and self-reflection of pain that most people would never even be able to imagine.

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  • How to Use Good Intentions [Without the New Ageism]

    Intentions, at a fundamental level, are the true purposes for which we behave and the motivations behind every one of the actions that we make. There’s a lot of hype about the idea of having good intentions in making sure that you have positive intentions, especially from the new age community, and I don’t mean to be offensive by excluding them within the title, but many people use this idea in a spiritual way without really understanding the practical purpose behind using good intentions and acting upon good intentions. The process of living with positive intention takes a huge amount of self-awareness, and self-control, all actively being used within real-time interactions with the outside world. Because the process of becoming self-aware takes a bit of time and effort, it also takes a bit of time and effort to really understand what’s happening, in real time, in front of your eyes, and, because it takes so much concentration, sometimes it feels like we are walking on eggshells in every moment of our lives, but that’s not really the case because, after a while, every behavior in life takes less effort to do correctly. Practicing good intentions is just like any other skill – we have to use it over and over, deliberately, and then, like driving, we start to naturally understand the control mechanisms without conscious manipulation.

    We live in a world that is very much living in an autopilot state in many ways. Most of our daily, real-life social interactions consist of very trivial, and thoughtless, exchanges of communication. In many ways, a simple ‘how are you’ with a simple ‘good’ or ‘fine’ kind of defines the validation of a face that we put on in public and the fact that we have to have that sort of mask is not healthy. There are many superficial expressions of our own inner, true feeling that really serve to hide and occult them from the people around us instead of facilitating open expression of what we feel and not stuffing a it deep down inside of ourselves. This can be a very difficult idea to grasp because many different familial situations and structures have different standards for validating your own deep feelings and, depending on where you came from, you have a different idea of the degree to which you can share and the degree to which you should actively try and force the feelings deep within. There are many levels today, but, if you think about it, you will come to the realization that every expression and interaction that we have with the world should come from a place of severe honesty from a place of good intention. There are too many advice websites and blogs that talk about ;how you should talk about your feelings’ and ‘how you should express yourself to your partner’ and I see, on many of these posts, that the person usually references reframing your own thoughts in a way, and expressing them in a way, that almost conveys a different message than what you truly feel and, by acting in that way, we validate the fact that we are living as two separate people – one that is trying to live in idealistic way and one that really has real, deep feelings. This is the opposite of authenticity where you are living in a way that your inner most belief systems are totally unified with your interactions with the outside world.

    Because we trivialize, so regularly, the real inner emotional systems that work in our everyday lives by asking each other questions without real answers while also not even having the expectation of getting a real answer, we actually start to accept that the feelings themselves have less value. In this acceptance is where we find ourselves slowly falling away from intentional goodness and self-awareness. Naturally, the human being is an emotional, spiritual creature who functions on a very, very simple system of needing to validate others with kindness and also wanting to be validated with goodness themselves. The way we actually define what brings us happiness also defines how and by what we actually achieve validation. Any and all validation that doesn’t come from the positive effect on another human being, on really any level even a very simple one, actually serves to usually validate a very selfish, idealized existence that is self-serving. Remember, we are not here to be distracted from its one another, but to learn from one another, and to experience each other, in order to maintain our own humanity.

    There are many other ways that we trivialize the emotional, social aspects of the human life. In terms of television, we, as a western society, have access to many forms of social validation that don’t provide the self validation necessary to our own high social-functioning, but allow us to throw our own need to validate others onto targets that don’t actually have any sort of risk involved with our interactions and so, we end up usually taking out our aggression without ever even having to assess the consequences of doing so and when we do this, we actually take this social behaviour out into the real world with real-life interactions.  especially in a society that normalizes the washing of copious amounts of TV, we have to be aware of the actual effects that come from watching other people have social interactions and the modeling, and programming, that comes from this sort of voyeurism. I think that, when we start to view things from a real perspective as in a perspective that comes from our experiences with real life people and not referencing what we see in movies because especially in something that is scripted, we tend to place ourselves in those scenarios and imagine what we would do and how we would interact, but, even though we are hypothesizing about our own decisions, the vision of success comes from the outcome from what we saw before, modeled in whatever TV or Film situation is at hand.

    In a logical sense, we understand what real human strife looks like, and what the emotional feelings should be from viewing such strife, but when we are so used to jump cuts, and scene changes that fix entire life situations within a blink of an eye, we almost romanticize our own lives and it creates that validation for an idealized self that doesn’t have a ground in reality. Many people can dismiss moves as, “oh it’s not real” and “you can see that only on a screen”, but when it starts to be such a big part of our everyday lives, and we are viewing people in social situations for 4 hours, every day, when we ourselves are not in the social situations, then, when we start actually have those life events, we automatically start to reference those images that we have had in our lives before, especially the ones that come from the media. All of this creates a sense of premeditated emotional response to a stimulus that is recognizable, but not experienced yet. We are culture so paste and living in fantasy  that we are taking out of the real, in the moment situation that happen in our everyday lives, the ones that we should be garnering as much joy and pleasure from as possible, but are taken for granted because we have so much stimulation and so much romanticized idealization of ourselves.

    what other form of media that serves to only harm our own perception of real life events happened to be video games.  too many video games show the death of humanity as a function of a point system and earning and winning. It takes the focus off of the emotionality of the ending of one’s whole life story in which an entire cast, an entire theater, of characters has been played out and lived, cried, loved, hated and all the rest of what happens during one’s own emotional lifetime, and places the value of your own emotional response in the positive aspects.  Think of this in a real-life context and we see that the emotional response that is being placed inside of us, very subliminally, is that we should see death as a way of game and not as a huge loss. In some ways, we are prepared for the death by already being so jaded towards that feeling, but, in other ways, we are losing our humanity with one gunshot, point-raising kill that we execute.

    The title of this article is how to use good intentions and, so far, I’ve only attempted to display how the society itself creates barriers that blind us from the idea of our own intentions, and living in active awareness of our lives – and the effects that our lives actively have on other people. Because we are used to hearing life’s problems solved in the blink of an eye, we don’t realize the actual emotional output, and energy, that it takes to really live in the world that we live in or, on some deep, inner level, we recognize how difficult it is, and how unfair it is, but we have difficulty reconciling that with our own perception of what life means. So much of what we do has to reside on a level of 0 emotional connection when, in fact, all daily exercises, all daily activities can be so enriched with the idea of trying to deliberately have a positive, emotional effect on someone else. This is where the actual idea of using good intention comes into play.

    When we start to validate those deep, inner emotions, and start to live from our own humanity, the place of feeling and real emotional connection, we till the soils of our own garden of positivity and create a foundation that is prepared to sustain positive emotional connection. Validation of our own emotions can be as simple as feeling sadness when you see someone has died instead of the jaded mentality that it’s a normal, everyday occurrence, connecting with those emotions and starting to feel again. This brings us back to our human roots and also allows for us to plant seeds of positivity within other people, and grow them, while also bringing our gardens together so that we can share some land and help other people grow in positivity.

    Good intention comes from the active awareness of what you plan to get out of every interaction that you have with the world, validating that those are your motivations and evaluating them from an objective standpoint of the still Observer. As we dissect ourselves, and learn to control those emotions by not acting without thinking, we can respect ourselves and we learn to trust ourselves. Using good intention, at the core, is this process of self-awareness and we always must remember that self-awareness comes from self-acceptance and taking responsibility for all of your past actions and all of your effect on those interactions from a purely analytical place. Take down the barriers that come from your own lack of unification between your ideal I self and your real self and you will find yourself in a place of peace, living in good intention but a program by which all your everyday interactions with the world are filtered through. Good intention starts far deeper than what we truly understand, as a culture, and culpability for our actions must start becoming the biggest value the society has, and values, in order for us to return to peace. Lots of love.

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  • The Beginning of the Cluster-B: Nurtured Evil


    Cluster B disordered people are so scary because they idealize and destroy, idealize and destroy. There’s no between, just perfect or nothing. It’s the same sort of process for all Cluster B disorders. They create people that are  so scary because they literally become different people TO different people. All the while rejecting their true inner self which is soooo malformed and damaged, like a child who was burned and never allowed to talk about it, cry or acknowledge the scars. When the BPD-person interacts with others, they will sometimes feel defined by this quote, “I don’t know who I am,” or, “I don’t have a personality”. They do. It’s just sooooo warped and conditioned into performing evil that you won’t even know that you’re setting yourself up for downfall just by speaking. “You have the right to remain silent, anything can and will be used against you in my trial by fire against you because I cannot unite my idealized reality with my smothered inner child.” No one wants to look in the mirror and face the monster within, so they just become what they see that is good in front of them. And destroy it. You have the right to remain silent.

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  • How to Define Happiness So You Don’t Fail

    Happiness in the modern day, and modern, western world, is a mixture between a vision of having a stable career, financial security, relative possessions of demonstration and family, emotional fulfillment and satisfaction. We read so many articles that state the opinion that we need to combine these two aspects and actually create one cohesive life that satisfies both sides and, at times, I think that this overcomplicates the entire situation. If we place the means by which we maintain our livelihood and our deeper need for inner, emotional validation – the story book that we leave on this earth that includes our outward impressions, impact and, for many, children – on a Venn diagram with the label, ‘Happiness,’ we would find a lot of selfishness. In this selfishness, we actually find the failure of our own humanity, a necessary, inner need to inspire goodness outside of our own selves unfulfilled that requires an edit button of our own definitions of true happiness.

    When we envision ourselves as the pinnacle of success in the future, we, as children and adolescents, create the idealized image of the person that has fulfilled themselves as a person, fulfilling only themselves as a person and, in the realest sense, doesn’t envision a person that is a beacon of light for other people, but really only takes stature in the fact that they themselves have achieved something. Because the bull’s-eye for our life’s arrow is one that is aimed at achieving a goal only for one’s own success, because that is absolutely necessary in our current world’s structure, we can’t exactly say that the person must first succeed in order to have a positive effect in the future. I say this because, if that person doesn’t have the innate mindset of positively affecting other people as the main goal for their life, they don’t exactly have the perspective to just change how they are living once they have had the success that is hypothetically needed to have a positive effect on a certain community or population. Narcissism is bred because the idealized self of one’s own achievements as the means by which to define yourself by and define your happiness by is one that is almost necessary for most people to achieve success from the beginning. Everything about the school systems, and about our life achievements, is really defined by our own work, and our own idealized, envisioning of our future self, and the only way by which we can take to get there provided through a real system that is only validating the Self in a very selfish and individualistic way. Even in this ingrained self-preservation mode system, the natural need for humanity to help each other, and support each other, really shines through even though there’s really no purpose in the goals of the provided system that would even validate or support us we as humans providing this sort of instinctual validation in helping each other – we do this because it’s so natural to want everyone to succeed and to have happiness and success in their lives. That is the natural state of being for human, but I think that, at a very early age, we are taught something very different that separates us into a very idealized self and into the real, instinctual being inside.

    For myself, personally, I was sort of also raised in front of a television set because my mother left me alone for most of my childhood – either outside jumping on trampoline or inside watching cartoons and other trash TV. My family was also raised on video games, the goal of which is to gain as many points as you can by murdering the other people around you, and surviving, and scoring points by yourself, for yourself so you can succeed in your own life’s story. Joy! The messages – what sickness is bred by that? Because we are already a culture in a society that defines itself by her own achievements, it’s natural that it would seem natural to have these sorts of themes displayed in front of us in the movies and media and TV television, But in reality, if you think about it, does that seem to promote life where you yourself are affecting other people when all you see, and all you believe, is that your life’s achievements, and your own personal success, in this reality, is all that matters to you? No, but, naturally, because we aren’t very aware that we are going through this sort of process our whole life – this very self-centered, selfish, self-validation process, we can’t even see what real humanity is what real humanity is not. Some people would define a really good person as someone who has a good sense of humor, but if that sense of humor is actually horrible, and very degrading, and both of those people just enjoy that sort of humor, then what is that say about that group of people and what they value? We place a heavy weight on things that we see in front of us as being acceptable by widespread groups of people, but when we ourselves look deep inside we find that there’s something else that wants to be heard.

    How much of your environment actually validates your deep inner need to help other people? To shine light into the depths of darkness of this world and pull others into the light you are in? So many times we only think about what other people are doing in terms of ourselves, and dismiss people who we believe are less than ourselves in some way, but, in this lifetime, we have lessons that we can learn from every person and it takes more than just judgment made by one or two interactions to really see that you yourself are going to be affected negatively in your intent to affect them positively. Only when we feel some sort of fear of, or an instinctual repulsion from, another person is it appropriate to just dismiss someone and go no contact. Real fear is one of those emotions that is very ingrained deep within us we, the human body, really does understand, instinctually. There’s just a natural fear and us for things like spiders, snakes and heights – these are well researched and very logical. Think about your instinctual fear as your cerebral, all-knowing awareness that something is threatening your life. I would also say that intuition is another form of a negative reinforcement for something life-threatening. I say this only because positive things only come to peaceful, positive-intentioned people who were not looking for such things.

    As we start to change our definition of happiness to one that completely envelops the idea of gaining our own self-worth and self-validation from deliberate, positive actions intended to positively affect other people, we will find that we are overcome by a sense of peace because we are not living as two separate beings with two separate ideas of happiness – one being from a societally value-based, self-perpetuating, tunnel-visioned success track and one being from our own, from birth need to be whole with each other – and that our Venn diagram starts to look more like a circle. As we redefine what our goals for our career and financial stability Bring to us in terms of success, being happy doesn’t become work as much as work becomes being happy. Self-awareness in your own positive intentions takes a lot of effort and, like any muscle, has to be used over and over in order for it to become natural. We don’t really even know the natural person within ourselves, at this point, because we spend so much time in a reality that tells us that only the person that is right inside of our cranium is the only person that is important. You’re so used to seeing things like dead bodies and murder that we forget that the natural response of those things is to feel sorrow and grief – mourning for the lives that are now lost, and respect for the vessel that is left behind to memorialize them. There are two different aspects of ourselves – the instinct and the idealized – that reside within us, but which one do you think is more important? The one that cries for the one that scores 10 points?

    Every day we validate the need inside of ourselves – the ingrained belief of the need inside of ourselves – to be ideal. We have normalized the idea of asking a person how they are, how the deeper real self is, with such flippance and disregard that we are actually lying to each other, very subtly, by even presenting such enticements for validation of that instinctual need for connection. At least we have a colloquialism, “What’s up?” that can’t be answered with a state of being. Aren’t we clever?

    We must start to value each other in what we can bring in a positive manner to that person’s life and start to discern who in our lives also has those intentions for us. Let me repeat because the second half has a lot to do with narcissism. We must value people in how we can change them in our own positive impact while also having the vision to see that other people are not trying to actively destroy us. Positive impact can be as little as a conversation that isn’t turned against you later. Positive impact can be answering the phone instead of letting it go to voicemail. So little is expected of us as people these days that any sort of validation of another person’s effort is a positive impact. There is so little required to even form a relationship with another person that losing that relationship actually doesn’t even faze many people. Friendship is not a form of entertainment, friendship is the non-romantic love between two people that understands, even in the most dire circumstances, that the other person is going to always act in your best favor. It’s a form of unshakable faith that stands the test of time and builds its roots in trust. How can you even break the ground with another person if all they have ever seen is the idealized mask you’re wearing?

    Family is nature’s way of showing us what the forest can look like if it has been watered properly with pro-social motivations and a lot of viewing others finding their own self-worth from affecting other people positively, seeing those aspects of humanity validated in the societal relationships of the family model from an early age. When that patch of land has been generationally burns into a pile of ash, the coals of pain still remain burning underneath and any relationship that plants itself there will be turned to ash. There is more than no contact with your entire family, I can kind of give you hope. Even in my burn down forest, There are still lights of redwood forest, beautifully grown trees that provided shade in the hottest of days for me when I was a child in those memories, those memories are shrouded in light and beauty for me, a taste of what could have been. As an adult, because we can choose when, and where, we want our seeds to be planted, we are always afforded the opportunity to start again and try to build a more fruitful life for ourselves.

    Another common adage for our society is, “Live for you, not for others!” or, “No one’s opinion matters about you, but yours!” which is the exact opposite of where true happiness lays. We are in this world to live for others, we are not here to live for our own achievements and glory. Judgments you should dismiss, but opinions are the representations of yourself that other people perceive, there is a big difference. If someone says, “Wow, you shouldn’t buy that because it’s expensive!” that is their opinion of the item itself and it’s worth, but we get caught up so much in passive aggression that we attribute a judgment onto it of, “This person thinks I can’t afford this.” Flawed! This is why compliments are also very shallow and only matter when we ourselves know we deserve validation for effort. I define effort as being the energy consumed into an activity or idea that promotes positive, pro-social change in another person, not their perception of you. For example, winning an award for beauty has far less meaning than an experience of feeding the homeless or volunteering. Of course, if the person only did those things to make sure their mask is idealized and validated, then it’s horrible and another thin veneer of disinformation that will wash itself out eventually.

    In order to not set yourself up to fail in terms of happiness and fulfillment, you must first recognize what you believe is validating for your own ego and then start to redefine it. That redefinition will provide the foundation for how you start to live your life. This definition must encompass the idea that all of your actions, outcomes and successes are a product of your responsibility and that, through that acceptance, you will starts to live in a way that only, through deliberate, positive, prosocial action, affect the people around you positively. In order to reinforce this idea, you must practice self-awareness and become comfortable in feeling a sense of disconnect because we are actively disconnecting from a life that only was motivated by one’s own feeling of success through a very self-focused path that defined success as self-achievement and trying to connect with our internal, instinctual self. Defining your happiness as how much value you bring to another person will constantly have you been bringing value not only to the other person, but self-esteem to yourself because it’s so validating to be positive to another human being. It’s our natural state of being.

    There are a lot of ideas that are being generally thrown out as simple present-tensed facts, but I do know that a lot of this requires further exploration. Comments and suggestions are welcome.

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  • What Passive Aggression Is

    What is passive aggression? For me, personally, passive aggression is the deliberate use and manipulation of meta-communication in order to send a message that is not the same or is cohesive with the one that is painted, plainly, with words. In a sense, it’s a form of deliberate dishonesty in order to create messages, and a comfortable, intentional, but not properly attributed to the correct source: lack of self-awareness and acceptance, distance between their real self and their ideal self, that have two clearly defined motives, within that small space of time, that both parties understand, but one party must ignore. Or should we ignore it?

    People who haven’t taken full responsibility for the outcomes of the actions in their own lives are also, still, trying to live up to an idealized version of themselves while fully ignoring the real, damaged person within themselves. In many ways, it’s a defence mechanism of accepted self-hatred because responsibility shows compassion and love, especially for yourself. That one would love themselves so much that they want to admit their wrongs from a place of wanting to mend the other people that were directly, negatively affected by the broken party. It’s a form of self-reflection by placing yourself in that person’s shoes while, at the same time, uniting the actual actions you yourself did with the feelings of those outside yourself. Passive aggression is, more or less, a way of intentionally maintaining the distance between yourself and who you believe you are.

    It’s kind of hard to understand because I think that many of us have moments of passive aggression that seem harmless, but those moments, in any person, create a jolting disconnect between truth and prevarication. For hurt people, passive aggression creates a security blanket of being able to have plausible deniability within a certain conversation’s outcomes,  although, in most conversations, that need for the ability to escape just isn’t there so these conversations end up into arguments because the messages are so jumbled between the two parties, one being very damaged and the other trying to perceive correctly. For very malicious people, this behavior creates a very sinister sense of gas lighting that is pervasive and very confusing at the same time. We can only tell over a period of time whether someone is passive aggressive because they are hurt and they are coming from a place of wanting security or if that passive aggressive behavior is an intentional form of hurting or destroying you. As we carefully write our story books down into people, we must understand that we can only write with what they give us to write with – those pages themselves have characteristics that change the writing and when we know that that writing is being forged, intentionally, and we ignore it, that creates a sense of cognitive dissonance that is traumatizing. It forces the receiver of the message into communicating through a mask of self-denial, do you see the dog chasing it’s tail?

    When we don’t decide to call out the person performing the passive aggressive behaviors, we don’t validate the self-awareness and honesty within ourselves so instead we end up actually creating a negative reinforcement reaction within our own brains against the positivity in our lives. Passive aggression is a form of dishonesty.  It creates a very real sense of distrust because it can be a behavior that is turned on and off and we can see that there is a real truthful person inside but we know immediately and we don’t validate that we know immediately, that the person is actually being passive aggressive, at times, as well, so in the end, while we are totally seeing with eyes of Truth, unless we actually live up to that truth, there’s no point in that lens being there.

    Especially if you are someone who is just beginning the process of self-acceptance and self-awareness of taking responsibility for creating all of the situations in your own life, both positive and negative, you can’t be impeding your own progress by exposing yourself to passive aggression and not starting to call it out. We tend to become the behaviors that we are exposed to over a long period of time and it’s very easy to start being passive aggressive. Lying is not difficult, you just have to accept that you are doing so. Honesty is not painful, it just requires far less self-control and thinking than many people realize. Dishonesty creates whole entire realms of vast remembrance that even gaslight the person whose head they’ve pervaded. When you can’t remember the real truth because you’ve told a lie so many times, that’s literally gaslighting yourself. Idealization is where we start losing our own sense of who we are. The separation from, and desperation for, living up to your own ability to create happiness is, at the core, one of the deepest problems that plagues our society. We learn the ugly truth that even couples traveling the world experience times of deep unhappiness, people who make hundreds of thousands of dollars, too. Where does happiness come from? How are you shining your light on the world?

    People who are passive aggressive understand and know that they are passive aggressive and, at times, they become fogged up in their own perception of the message that they understood that they had sent because 90% of our communication happens separately from the word that leave our mouth it can become very clear to the person sending out passive-aggressive messages, or messages with ulterior motives, that the other person has received the ulterior motived message. That can become very clear, very quickly if one becomes accustomed to living in a passive aggressive environment. That 90-10 split should make it clear how important it is that we live in a very real sense of the Truth in every moment of our lives.

    I have divided passive aggression into two types of people performing the behavior: ones coming from a sense of needing a security blanket and ones from a real sense of trying to destroy another person’s self through intentionally using their moments of vulnerability to create daggers of pain when that other is down. Destructive people are malicious because they were destroyed, either consciously or unconsciously, by people in their earliest times of socialization. It’s the inherited pattern of destruction that I am actually writing about from my own, very vivid life lived out this way thus far. These two people both end up hurting the receiver of the passive aggression, but in vastly different, still negative, ways. Also, people can perform both types of passive aggression, but the really malignant, destructive kind deliberately uses your weaknesses to hurt you.

    Example 1, security blanket: P.A [passive aggressor] asks R [receiver] ‘when will dinner be ready?’ to R who never gave any mention of making dinner or set forth an example of making dinner every day. What they really mean is that they are hungry and want dinner, but they can’t unite their words with their intentions so, instead, they use passive aggression. Depending on your answer, you can trap yourself for later ammo against to be used against you.

    Example 2, destruction: P.A. hears that you have a weakness, or something you’re self-conscious about. You can actually test this. For example, I tell a potentially destructive person that I am bad at something – let’s say I’m a musician and I tell the P.A. that I have problems with syncopation. If we are doing anything to do with music, the P.A. will praise the fact that there’s ‘good syncopation’ or ‘Wow, look how good that syncopation is’. They might even not understand the words you use, mentally take note, and look up the definition later to use against you. It’s more like a psychological gaslighting technique than anything else. It’s a clear signal of a negative, socially-destructive person to have them highlight your own insecurities in other people as part of their positive perception. Another one – you say that you’re sure that you haven’t inherited bipolar from your bipolar mother so the P.A. uses the language ‘out of balance’ to describe you. It’s a really horrible thing to do, but this person would also fall into the type of person whom you shouldn’t even choose to have in your life.

    Neither one of these behaviors is really acceptable, but, in the end, I think that the example in number one is easier to reconcile than the example in number two when both are very easily used against another party – the anathema of prosocial behavior. Passive aggression comes from a place of insecurity within the self that, only through true, honest love from an outside source, and from internal motivation to change, can be eliminated, must be acknowledged and properly attributed to the correct motivation of self-preservation. More people die, on the inside, than we can ever imagine in this world. Preserving those few glimmers of light is sometimes all that is left. All we can do is try to inspire them to use that flame to ignite and connect preservation with affection, not destruction. There’s no honesty that is painful when it comes from a place of love, remember that!

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  • How to Set a Standard for the People You Choose to Have in Your Life

    When we talk about the people in our lives, I am really referencing the idea that there are people in our sphere of influence who are chosen, and there are people in our lives whom we have no control over such as coworkers, our bosses, students, customers etc. Of course, when I talk about control I am referencing the fact that when they come into our sphere of influence, we don’t have the ability to necessarily force them out without having just cause… So we have to allow them to affect us, temporarily, and we don’t necessarily even need access to the ability of washing them out of our lives, though the skills of how to handle different types of people are very, very necessary in order to live successfully – we really only need to know how to handle the people in our lives in a temporary, having no control over their presence in your daily life, And also permanent, the people who we have control over in terms of their presence in our lives.

    Because the subject of interacting with people that have a very temporary presence in our lives, and whom we have no control over is, a totally different blog post, and just as in-depth and lengthy as this one, I will only be addressing the people whom we have the ability to choose… which is why this is titled how to choose people in your life… duh, but the distinction is important to make really early on.

    The people that we can choose to have in our lives are people who we write our permanent life stories into – the story books of our lives that don’t just include a ‘hello!’ or ‘how are you?’ but include our life experiences, allowing the other person to live vicariously through us in terms of getting to experience negativity, pain, sorrow, mourning and certainly positivity: success luck, love, journeys, adventure – life experiences that they themselves have not had, but, by your presence and your telling them about your life experiences, they are affected in a way that is more than just a hello or a casual, cordial relationship. Do you see how this could be important in your life? Do you see that the people whom you write yourself into affect the outcomes and the actual text of that story? Eye-witness testimony has been proven as not being 100% effective and we are choosing to write ourselves down into people who themselves are not 100% effective – that is really the reason why it’s so important that we choose the people in our lives as people who can be trusted as living, walking story books that we have put a little bit of our author’s signature writing style upon.

    I think that it’s plain to see that our life stories are going to be written down more positively from a person who is an authentic, positive influence or a beacon of positivity than by someone who, maybe, is living a life that is still seeing from an idealized persona backed by a very, very hurt inner self. On the other hand, as we accept the negativity that we have caused in our lives, we try to seek out different types of people in order to not only learn, but to teach and to affect in a positive way. As we feel that deep down yearning to feel goodness, and create goodness, in our lives – the way with the most efficacy being affecting other people around us in a positive manner – that feeling creates a real thirst for continuing positive change and not only a thirst to feel that effect in yourself, but to give that effect and to seek out that affect from people whom you know can affect you positively. That instinctual humanity from deep within feels a pull to help those in positions that you know that you could help with your knowledge and your positivity. This instinctual pull is from a place of pure goodness, but discernment is necessary because helping someone who’s fallen is different from helping someone with broken legs.

    Because there are people in this world who come from all walks of life and have very different life experiences from one another, it’s really important to start to acknowledge your own life and, as you acknowledge what has happened in your life, to be grateful for what you do have at the present moment so that when you look at other people, through a lens of absolute truth and stillness, and you see the pain in them, you have the perspective to shine your light into their lives because that is the most important part of self-awareness and love! Your motivation from your own perspective of true reality on your own life, loving that deeply hurt person and taking steps to mend yourself and live in a way that is opposite to all of those influences. To find positivity, self-worth and goodness from affecting others positively. As we start to taste this beautiful feeling of positive, deliberate action we automatically feel a yearning to live in this state of holding ourselves to a standard of positivity, self-awareness and stillness, not only in the state of self-aware, pro-social motivated behavior, but seeking out people who we know can affect us positively and wanting to affect other people who we know need the knowledge that is within us. Acknowledging our own pain and acknowledging the negativity that we have caused in our own lives, along with the negativity that has been caused and impacted upon us… that experience allows us to see other people’s experiences in different lights and, because we come from a very specific point of view, because everybody lives different lives, we can really come from a place of true light and truth because we are living so authentically, we can have a confidence that what we are saying is unshakable. We are not living in an idealized second skin of protection, but trying to live our lives in a way that uses our own acknowledgement of our past, our responsibilities for the past and our mistakes, along with all of the things that happen to us, to then positively affect another person.

    What does this have to do with choosing the people in our lives? Everything! First, I think it goes without saying that we have to start acknowledging ourselves and our own personal truth before we can even start to affect other people in a positive way. Then our need to use that knowledge from our life experiences, to attain that wonderful feeling of giving the light of deliberate positivity, puts us in a position of being between two extremes: extremely positive people and extremely negative people. This is a spectrum with many different colors, obviously, and when we find ourselves on either end, we can attain positive and negative effects in our own lives, even from people who are far ahead of us in living in goodness. When we find ourselves drifting towards people who are more or less closer to where we are in our own spectrum of that path, people who are closer both above us in positivity and below us in negativity, or creating negativity in their lives, we have to find a good hot zone of people who we can affect… because at both extremities, our ship can be sunk.

    When we find people who are on the extremely positive side of the spectrum, we find people who are doing things in their lives that are so wonderfully positive in terms of other people and, because I really am talking to people who have a lot of hurt or pain in their lives and didn’t live in a very idealistic way – and not idealistic in a prospective way but really an idealistic family: a positive, socially motivated family setting where they learned about real connections real relationships – because I am aiming my writing towards people who are trying to get over their own pain and their own hurt, it’s really difficult to tell them that when they find other people who are really positive that they themselves might become callous or act in malice, start experiencing negative thinking upon aimed at destroying that positive person which impedes their own growth in the end and, also, starts to validate the negative things and the negative behaviors that the lesser advanced person themselves performed and are trying to overcome in order to live in a more positive way, a totally positive way, really. We have to be careful when we find people who are so much ahead of us that we start to negatively affect them just because that’s our pattern of behavior that we may be trying to overcome in regards to behaviors performed against us or that we did on others. When we try to live up to the standard of someone who is so ahead of us in their own personal growth, we start to live through that idealized mask of a person, that was created to get through the pain, and we split the real self in order to present a false sense of security and establishment in our own lives because it’s more difficult to talk about yourself honestly, in the present moment, when you yourself know, deep down inside, that there’s a lot wrong in your life. This only helps to impede your progress of becoming a better person so I always implore that you try to find people who are not SO far, far, far ahead of you in their growth, especially when you’re looking at them as people who are in your sphere of influence who you also have an influence upon – this is not people who are like spiritual teachers or gurus who you yourself know, because you’re in a position as a learner, that you cannot negatively affect. This would be especially important for people who are just starting to acknowledge the bad that they have caused in their lives because it’s so important to first become comfortable in that acknowledgment before you start to not idealize yourself, but live in an ideal way, and not view yourself from a false exposition of an idealized mask.

    On the other end, we have extremely negative people who we can identify as being negative, but we allow them into our lives because we think we can salvage them, even in small ways. This would be a classic case of wanting to be the hero for a victim, but where the victim is so far in a hole of negativity that no matter what, the negativity shows through as lashes of intense gas-lighting, or even subtle gas-lighting, passive aggression and, finally, aggression. These people are trying to wear the mask of an idealized person instead of being the real person they are – stepping back to watch their own actions as the Observer – instead they try to live, hiding the real self and living through the mask of idealization. Because they haven’t acknowledged the negativity that they have caused in their own past, they sit in this pit of negativity and it still affects them in their patterns of behavior… so we will see that they are wonderful person and that, when they tell us about their horrible past or all of the horrible things that they have gone through, we will see a person that is strong and has overcome everything, but the person in front of us is actually the idealized mask that has come from being through so much torment, in so much pain … it’s like a different person has been created on the outside to show the world that, “I am strong and I am perfect and wonderful,” because they themselves cannot accept that all of the negativity that they have gone through and experienced in their past, actually, really did affect them and affect their actions as an adolescent or as an adult so much so that they actually have a lot of responsibility to own up to at this point, but it’s so difficult because it requires such a sense of acceptance and acknowledgment of horrific events in your life that could have real effects on you and that you can start to attribute how you were acting in the past, or in later stages of life, to those really early, ingrained patterns of behavior – it become so much easier when you start to accept everything in your life as a consequence of your own actions, and the negativity impacted upon you, when you were growing up. Keep in mind, extremely negative people, or in modern day, we call them “toxic people” – these people are not, for the most part, so demonically evil at such lengths to call them a sociopath or psychopath. Trust me, if you feel, when you go back into your memory, that there are memories that you have and they automatically spring you back from remembering because it’s so painful, you don’t even want to remember the real thing because you know for a fact that, from a logical perspective, that it was your fault. If you can acknowledge that – you cannot be a psychopath or sociopath. Most toxic people are horrifically hurt, and really damaged, from a young age, seriously. When people have gone through tremendous amounts of strife, and achieve success, despite adverse consequences or adverse circumstances, we sometimes attribute to them that they are so wonderful and so great, but we forgot that all those influences still have a huge effect on everything that they ever did and that if these people, really hurt people, do not acknowledge their own responsibility for things that have happened in the past, they will never ever be able to live in a way that truly positively affects other people and they will always repeat the behaviors that they were accustomed to as a child and that they learn how to model specifically, intentionally destroying relationships and intentionally destroying other people. Remember: hurt people hurt people. Hurt mothers hurt daughters. Hurt friends hurt friends. This is a simple truth.

    When we sit at an extreme end of the negative spectrum of people that we are trying to positively affect, we actually put ourselves in the crossfire of their socially-destructive, negative behaviors because they don’t have any control over themselves because they don’t come from the perspective of a peaceful observer of their own actions, and lives, because they haven’t acknowledged that they themselves have caused negativity other people. This can have a profound effect on you because you are so trying to put out golden love and light, or that’s your intention, that these people actually want to destroy you because they can’t figure out how to be you.

    Who are you? You are the person that has tried to accept your self as not perfect and as not the most wonderful human being to ever live, but in that acceptance you have also learned many lessons and that those lessons and those acceptances of certain behaviors and actions in your life are going to be completely different from other peoples, but remember, that that same pain you feel when you go back in time to remember really horrific memories that you caused or that were caused upon you – everyone has those. They might be varied and they might be numerous and different or completely different situations, but the feeling is so similar that we can start to place our hand of observance, deliberately and positively, into the lives of other people.

    Choosing the people in our lives should be in action that comes from a place of wanting to learn, wanting to live in positivity and wanting to affect other people in a positive way. Because this is our reference point, we have to be very careful in who we are allowing in our lives to fulfill this absolutely natural need in humanity. At a certain point in your own personal growth, you cannot go back and try to save a certain level of a negative person- it’s not possible and it’s not healthy for you as the new light being that you are. Even just one person who is overwhelmingly lost to negativity, and to their own lack of self-awareness, can really start to destroy your own sense of light. We are smothering a chance that is so important for the future people we are meeting that it is not worth your own destruction to try and save a single person. Hurt people hurt people, healing people can help hurt people, but healing people can never save hurt people. We must first allow people to see who we are and then to inspire them to choose the change in their own lives and, as they choose to live their life a certain way,you have the ability to choose them to be in your life in a certain way. This is an important lesson in maintaining your own self-worth because we see ourselves as valuable in our reflections in other people – our story books are everything that we have in this lifetime and as we write positivity into other people’s lives, we have to let go of the horrific negativity that other people write down in our lives and that is one of the hardest lessons I think you can learn. Be at peace.

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  • How to Use Anxiety [Self-Awareness from Anxiety]

    Sometimes, in this world, we sort of see ourselves as having anxiety when in fact it’s not so much anxiety but overwhelming sense of self-awareness and wanting to live up to what I would identify as the ideal truth or, more specifically, our ideal self. This ideal self has many, many more seemingly positive characteristics, abilities and coping mechanisms that when we round out the edges we really want to be perfect people doing perfect things and viewing ourselves in a light of total goodness: honest, caring, loving, all these very, very important social aspects of ourselves that we try show the world, outwardly, when we still have the real self, the observer [in Yoga], who enshrouds itself in a false idealization in order to not lose it’s own sense of protective perfection. In the end, when we allow ourselves to be taken over into the identity of the ideal self without really validating our inner, real self then we end up actually creating an identity that doesn’t have grounds in the reality of our everyday actions because of the simple fact that we don’t have an operating, fully-active self-awareness that is functioning at a high enough state to realize we are wrong before it even manifests in the world. This process of an almost 50-50 split of the self can be seen in any place you have the time to edit yourself into who you want the world to see you as i.e. social media.

    A lot of our anxiety comes from the fact that we cannot actually live in the ideal self because the ideal self has all of these characteristics of perfection and perfection is something that a human can have or live up to and even really dream to be because in this humanity, in our own humanity, we are left with a lot of holes in our own perception that can only be filled with striving to make that inner real self, with deliberate, positive, pro-social actions, a real, living entity in the world. In many ways these holes are can be seamed tight if you understand how you can use religion to better your life and become more positive without having to read so much into the actual stories or the history of everything because we get caught up in that and lose the message of very, very important aspects of humanity that need to be validated, especially in the times that we currently live in where we fear our neighbors and basically every human on the street. These aspects of us are actually the ones that want to shine and affect other people in our lives because, naturally, we as humans really want to be perfect and how we define perfection comes in many different ways, but I think that when we boil down what perfection, as a human, is, we actually come down to what most religions are fundamentally teaching which is to be a good person, to be honest, to be kind, to not cheat and, to sum this list up: to really not intentionally hurt anyone in this world while simultaneously living with the distinct goal of positively affecting each other. In this way we are actually using religion to help ourselves and not only ourselves, but through creating a good person who yearns or needs, really, to validate that part of themselves that wants to do good and be good and treat everyone wonderfully! That’s what utopia is, no? It’s an absolute need inside of yourself to want to be loved and to want to be loving towards other people even though, sometimes, this is really blocked by our own lack of self-awareness in terms of how we are affecting other people, in the moment, acknowledging and catching ourselves, in real time, on how our intentions are being expressed and coming across to the people in our direct sphere of influence. While this seems like an impossible task, I think that every person comes to this conclusion after they start really acknowledging the negativity that they have caused in their past, and while this is a blog about self-awareness as anxiety, we really have to become self-aware with our hindsight – not so much in the present moment because one needs the other as practice and this is very important to understand. After acknowledging the negativity one has caused in their past only then can one start to catch themselves in real-time.

    With the negative intentions that are free-flowing from our brains, because many people don’t really understand how much their thoughts can create in their reality and how many different events can be affected just by how you yourself are conveying a message, we express ourselves without hearing our motives these ulterior motives are actually the ones that express themselves the most because, if you didn’t know, your meta-communication is actually accounting for about 90% of the messages that you’re trying to send. In this meta-communication is where we can find sort of find the true intentions of all of what is being expressed and being conveyed from one person to another. Many causes for anxiety come from this thorough lack of awareness of ourselves and how we, without even thinking, are affecting the messages that are leaving our bodies whether it be body language or the actual words themselves. Because of this lack of self-awareness, we sometimes are actually lying without even realizing it and, when I say this, I’m not actually talking about lies, but sending of a message that is very much different than what is being expressed on a very surface-level, plain, word for word interaction. In this way we are not actually being very clear communicators nor are we sending a message that we mean to send. I am speaking about this because when we are aware that there are two different sort of motivations that are clear within our actions and messages, we can start to separate them out and live more authentically to the person that has good intentions because we as humans are split into two separate entities within ourselves that are psychologically labeled as the ideal self and the real self.

    We actually live up to our ideal self, most of the time. This may sound like a good thing at first, but it’s not because the ideal self is not capable of validating itself, unless that person is a psycho/sociopath [hint], and actually seeing itself as a real person. When forced to see itself, the ideal self almost cracks the mirror of reality and the real self looks at the ideal self and feels a shocking disconnect. The real self starts reflecting and in a very near death experience, fly through your life’s mistakes in a flip-book… manner. It’s very overwhelming and actually acts as negative reinforcement, in the end, to not acknowledge your own imperfections which leads to a total closing off of your own ability to freely, critically analyze your life and decisions.

    In some ways because we are not able to live up to the ideal self all of the time or even some of the time because in order to do so you wouldn’t have to always be aware of what you are doing and how you are affecting the people around you because ideally in reality for the real self you should always be validating that inner need to do good and affect other people positively. Unfortunately living in this world doesn’t really allow for someone to go about this process passively because so many people are so unhappy and it’s very unfortunate and sad that so many people affect each other so negatively because they themselves cannot look deep inside of themselves and validate that inner need to do good or validate the fact that I’m very true inner self of themselves they haven’t done good or have affected people very negatively in their livesAnd eventually cause much destruction in their lives.

    So where does anxiety come in, in regards to self-awareness? In today’s society, we are actually taught that having self-awareness, in a very, almost pervasive way, in your life, to the point where it’s a very large focus, is being ‘self-conscious’ and is seen as a bad thing and kind of stigmatized into having something wrong with you or that having self-consciousness is impeding the path of their own lives, I guess. This is actually not very true because if one is actually walking in a path of goodness and, really, is walking in a path that follows what most major religions label as ‘being a good person’ or ‘living in light’. Then your self-consciousness or self-awareness actually upholds itself, in a very literal way, because that inner light is needing the kindling for the fire of goodness that is glowing in order to affect the world around. That absolute self-awareness that makes you uncomfortable actually comes from the fact that you aren’t living up to the ideal self and that, when you have moments where you can analyze yourself such as when sending an email or you have to go pick someone up or make a plan or settle on something that’s very concrete, not necessarily a contract, an agreement of really any kind where you have to live up to the very real effect that you’re having on someone – because we live in duality almost all of the time – there’s actually a very real sense of that crack in the mirror, a stumbling over one’s own inertia to act in a way that affects others because we want so badly to be seen as perfect instead of actually being ‘perfect’. This sort of shock in the systems is one that every human succumbs to feel at times.

    When self-awareness isn’t combined with the absolute need or yearning to do good and validate oneself in light, we get this overwhelming sense of reality in the thoughts that we don’t necessarily always do good and that we really do make mistakes. Though, at times, these mistakes are very large, we sometimes try to trick ourselves into the idea that we weren’t as guilty in the situation as we actually were and so, while we idealize the actual situation, when we look at it, and look at it very closely such as when we retell the story – we are actually shrouding it in our own sense of idealization and the story itself changes from a very logical, sequenced order of actions, words and how those sequences stacked into a building of negativity with an emphasis on the order and what exactly was done and said to ending up actually distorting what happened not only to the people listening to stories then validate that story and make you feel however you wanted to feel through whatever shroud you made – usually people make themselves out to be the hero, of course ,but if the shroud is to make yourself look like a victim or whatever, whatever you decided to make it look like, because there are many real times when we are the victims; we are heroes – but there are many other real times when we ourselves are monsters or hellions in the situation.

    As we accept the shock of cold water, from realizing that we ourselves are not perfect, we actually start to live in a more ideal way, which is not at the same as living and in the identity of an idealized person and then not actually validating the fact that you aren’t ideal and that you are not perfect – this is very much different because when you realize you have made mistakes and that we pattern our mistakes in cycles of very real observable behaviors. Then you can start to want to analyze yourself, in real time, and you will want to be a better person to the people around you, have real conversations and not just talk about stupid things that that might not necessarily affect your life in the future or that aren’t about the real need to be emotionally validated and talk about your feelings which are very valid and, especially when you yourself are so in your head because there’s a dialogue between the real you and the idea of you who can you show to the real world, where you so much more comfortable showing to the real world (for most people: that is the idealized person who is displayed).

    In reality, when we actually start to combine two people inside of ourselves, that ideal self and the real self, by forcing ourselves to stand back in an almost silent observer state where we can just look at other people and hear their words, take them for what they actually are saying – and not react to the underlying intentions and that we may ourselves be making up in our heads or the other person is sending out – without even acknowledging any ulterior motives that may be present, when we don’t allow them to manifest through our reactions, and we don’t validate that person’s want and need to use those sorts of behaviors, and that meta-communication , to really send messages that are not clear then this behavior doesn’t come back and we can then catch ourselves, in the moment, when we are doing this because we recognize that the words that are coming out of us and our behaviors are not actually coinciding with how he really want to make the receiver of our message feel and what the message actually is.

    How do we actually get over our anxiety? We start to live as the real self, in an ideal way that allows us to start being in a state of real, deep inner calm – this calm bringing one into the state of the actual observer of our own lives. We are the observer who looks upon the world through our eyes and has every ability to choose what it believes and what it wants to do, where it wants to go and the path that it can take. This place is one of personal responsibility and reaching an inner validation of one’s own responsibility, in terms their actions, for every situation and event in their lives. For many people, this is so hard to accept – that fact that you were actually responsible for everything that has ever happened to you – the process of going back and accepting that you yourself were not perfect in every situation; you’re not the victim and you were not the hero in every situation, and, actually, you were the villain at times. When we accept those realizations, and try to learn from them and see why we did the things that we did, we don’t want those behaviors to affect us in the future and so, naturally, we start to observe ourselves, the being the state of self-awareness that is most important in our life because, as we observe the world, we can quietly manipulate positivity and goodness out of every single situation that arises, no matter how volatile it could be.

    The process of true acceptance of one’s own actions, and attributing all of the mistakes and negativity to the correct places, will, eventually, lead you into only wanting a perfect life for yourself where you define perfection as how your own inner goodness affects the lives of others along with how writing your inner storybook on other people changes their books into something more beautiful and more interesting – not in a way that is negative at all, but in a perfectly beautiful, synergistic way. As one heeds the call of the observer, they will start to lose that sense of shock from the crack of actually having to look at one’s own actions because, inherently, being in that state of calm observance, you are eliminating any chance of that crack happening. The anxiety soon fades away because, as that mask falls off and your true inner light starts to shine on people, you will firmly believe that all of your actions are creating good. This is a process that takes a lot of time and even myself has not completed at all, but it’s a process that you have to become freely aware of in order to start, and until you start really affecting the people around you in a very good way, which starts with first eliminating any self-doubt that you are doing good in your life and trying to perform good actions. So the process goes like this: first, accept all of the responsibilities of your live’s actions; one at a time thinking about those negative influences you created and really start to accept the role that you had to play and what you did in those situations, even if it’s a villain, even if it’s a bad guy… you can cry and cry and cry and cry and cry because it’s okay to be honest with yourself. There’s no amount of a emotion that you can’t handle to go through this process to become a good person – going through each and every single situation that your mind sometimes flicks back to out of nowhere and you just start to, like, relive the action and it’s almost like a night terror, so shocking to you that you close it off before the real, real action starts to kind of just wrap itself up in a shroud of whatever… Dismiss the immediate urge to back out of remembrance and, when they start to pop up, just really think about them for a second – really think about what your actions did in the past and how you might not have been as perfect asYou may think you are think you were or if there’s a story that should be telling you know that it’s where you sort of had a different role than what you usually tell just make sure that you validate those feelings you don’t have to embarrass yourself but make sure that you start to really except those feelings.Second then then after you have excepted how you have affected other people. Start to become aware! It’s actually a very natural process as you go through step number one that number two just naturally happens because you have gone through that shocking repair – that crack in the mirror – and started to see yourself and repair that crack in your identity to where there is no split whatsoever. The observer becomes the ideal self and starts to live in an ideal way, validating all goodness within and accepting the actions that it’s responsible for.

    As you become the peaceful observer you’re going to find that, naturally, your conversations are going to be deeper, your connections are going to be at the soul level, so close to each other and so deep. Meaningful, emotional connections where honesty and integrity play a bigger role then showing off or making a show of it. Be the observer and be the real you.

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  • Family is not a choice!

    Today’s post is about family, relationship dynamics, destiny and how each of those can play a role in the overall happiness and satisfaction in your life. Family, as a concept, is somewhat of a misnomer in our current society’s standard of the word because we have a general accepted belief that we can choose our own families. While this is somewhat true, this thought-pattern has a very dangerous under-belly that defines our own emotional attachment toward family, how we view them in relation to ourselves and our lives and also how we set-up our future paths, relationship-wise. This post is not specifically about proving that family is or isn’t a choice, but more about how our personal views about these dynamics, eventually, create our own reality as adults, whether that be positive or negative.

    We can look at the vast psychological data that proves, experimentally, that family bonding, at a young age, is paramount to healthy adult relationships and eventual maturity, but I find that it gets caught up in the experiment as a literal measuring device,  rather than how this creates a pattern later on in life, and how those cycles play themselves out. It’s more important to start understanding the effects on the adult because usually, we, as adults, are the ones seeking out this most important information and trying to find out how to even start living our lives from this new perspective. A big obstacle here is knowing and having a clear stance on the fact that childhood trauma does not justify behavior as an adult. There is no justification for socially-destructive behavior sans diagnosed psychopathy / sociopathy and even those could be argued against when taken from the correct perspective. Self-justification is a behavior that only has merit in terms of positive, pro-social motivation.

    Now, we get lost in this sort of cat-and-mouse game because we are so used to justifying ourselves on multiple levels of our conscience, taking from the perspectives of multiple people involved in the situation, but, in the end, we actually have no right to behave in a way that negatively affects other people, no matter how much we believe that it’s justified. This sounds very convoluted, but it makes a lot of sense in example.

    Example: Your friend’s having a problem with another friend and you try to moderate the situation by being the ‘in-between’. They tell you a problem and you tell the other friend the problem and go back and forth.

    This is a pretty common situation and looks pretty innocent, but the motivation for you, as the in-between, must be analyzed pretty much down to the nubby nubs. Are you doing this in the best interest for your friends? Are you doing this because you enjoy being involved? Are you doing this because you want their relationship to be better? How much enjoyment do you get out of that role as moderator?

    Your role in the situation is actually, more or less, as God. You get to play the puppeteer in the lives of two people by playing the role of judge and jury. This goes into the idea of self-validation, but the importance is really in your own motivation and how you self-justify. In the end, you should have never, ever gotten involved with the situation other than, “This is none of my business.” Some people would say, “Wow, common sense!” but, trust me, there are plenty of others who would not!

    I’ve gotten this far and you’re asking, “WHAT ABOUT FAMILY?! CHILDHOOD?!” and I am getting there, it just takes a lot of sober thinking to get to that point.

    So, now, we understand a little bit about how we can make or break the relationships in our lives by the motivations behind our actions. And, from an earlier post, we understand the importance of acknowledging that we get to choose all of our actions, inaction and beliefs. This is all very important in understanding your own family and how you relate to them.

    First, family. What is family in my definition? Family are those people whom, when you were born, were attached to you by means of blood ties. In our world, blood could also mean law in terms of a person in your life or your family’s life who has some sort of legal attachments through adoptions and marriage. It’s important to establish this because life-long family friends or people who are not family that stay in good faith and character to you or your family are probably the exact people you want to keep around due to their ongoing contact. Family can also include any and all people whom you’ve kept in your life from childhood through to your adulthood and maintain close contact with. The definition is basically what you might imagine, just spelled out very clearly except that friendship, in itself, is a totally different post. Family is, of course, up to your judgement based upon the standard for pro-social behaviors.

    Second, why is it not a choice? This is the real meat of the article, eh? Why is it actually not a choice who is your family and who isn’t? In some ways, yes, we can choose the people in our lives and those people may or may not stand the test of time to become like family, but those ties that you create, as you grow from child to adult, are really important in today’s society because, without them, you actually systematically lose access to very, very real benefits of having such ties, even when events may have been out of your control or, for me at times, were totally in control, but were coming from a total monster on the inside.

    The benefits of which I am speaking could be called security blankets or emergency support. For example, I am someone who hasn’t had any sort of familial contact, in a positive sense, for about 5 or 6 years. The reasons for my not having contact go on a case-by-case basis, but I would say that about 70% of those lost ties are not my fault and the other 30% are totally my fault. I have a relatively large family on my mother’s side; she had eight siblings and they ranged, including my mom, from late forties to late sixties. At this level of Ancestry.com, we already have huge fault lines and earthquake zones of socially-destructive behaviors and many in-and-out sort of adult relationships. My childhood was a cycle of this: growing up with my cousins and seeing them everyday then all of a sudden not seeing them for 2 years then every day and then 2 years… Same with the aunts and uncles. I even had an aunt and an uncle whom myself and my closest cousin legitimately feared, but the third cousin in our three-way, best friendship-that-was-torn-apart-and-glued-back-together came from that couple and we would be there often, ignoring the insanity of the adults around us until they directly inspired terror.

    Really, that’s what my cousin told me as an adult when I was speaking with her about them, “What did you expect? We were terrified of them when we were younger.” Which, if you think about it, shows such a hopefulness or… reality-rejecting thought process on my part that I wasn’t even making references from my past to the present. This is also a pattern of behavior for me – ignoring the past and hoping the best for now.

    Anyway, my perception of my familial connections was actually one of positivity until way later, like very recently, when I started to just regress back into the memories and see everything without the lens of perfection. The in-and-out cycling really created the need for such a lens because in the years without those everyday relationships; I spent the entirety of my time either in school or totally alone playing on my trampoline, pretending to be a superhero. Even those moments of fantasy were about my need to feel control over every aspect of play, the protagonist, the antagonist and all of the pawns in between. A validation of the hope that, maybe in the future, I might have control over who’s in my life and how the relationships would turn out… This turns out to be such a fatal sort of ideal, but that’s another post!

    So, my father was also in jail most of my childhood; more or less half my childhood on and off. I think, in my memory, he was in and out two times, maybe three. It is probably two because those parts of my life feel split into three pieces of two different story books. I mean, my childhood had a couple separate cycles and re-washes of my own identity with profound effects on my own self-perception in very, very important ways.

    When you go long periods without people in your life, you start to redefine yourself in your own mind because, naturally, we define ourselves in relation to others because, in this world, we are supposed to gain our self-worth through our dedication of filling others, and of course ourselves by definition, with positivity. But like… even my brother was in a sort of cycle for me, and himself, between going to his father’s and coming back, missing really important family events, holidays and other sort of bonding stuff until his father sort of disowned him… eventually receiving him back and disowning him, again (cycle?). In many ways, our stories are similar. We ourselves are totally different.

    I had a lot of loving memories from my childhood, like… so filled with love, care and smiles from adults with such beautiful souls whom, even in my adult-life glimpses, were still so beautiful. I am referencing one particular cousin and her family, in particular, because those memories remind me of the potential in family and what that means. So, the cycling went from something like cousin of so and so, to not, to nephew, to not, to best friend, to not, to brother, to not, to son, to not… to totally alone, to not. It really messes with your perception of who you are, what you value and how you value yourself. For me, personally, this made me really only value myself and the ideal me, not the real me who was desperately trying to define himself, eventually letting that ideal picture of myself take over in a barrage of mixed beliefs and perceptions of who I was. Those ‘nots’ eventually became ‘am nots’ at times in my life where I desperately needed to be. These sort of forced trial-and-error identity shifts, through self-definition in terms of others, really became a defining sort of characteristic in my life, referencing self-destruction of relationships in my adulthood that could have ended up okay if it weren’t for my own lack of discipline and any sort of belief system that could have helped me begin to define myself, strictly, as a being of positive impact instead of an idealized monster with absolutely nothing in the end.  These are the same cycles that have carried on in my life, really, till no one has been left. It’s a process that I think would have continued had I not had a wake-up call very recently, a sort of redefinition of the person I am and developing a clear picture of who I want to be.

    As a reference into my adult-life and the cycle that eventually kindled the path of my own destruction, my parents passed away, first my father at 14 and my mother at 16. After my father passed, my mom took a total turn for the worst in her mental health and really started to get taken ahold of by some sort of schizophrenia that went untreated. I could walk in the kitchen and she would be gesticulating and lipping full conversations, I could open the fridge, get a cup of pop and walk out without breaking her trances. At times, I had actually stopped her and told her she was doing this and she told me she was talking to ‘God’. This ‘God’ told her later that getting chemo and a mastectomy for Stage I cancer would be ‘mutilating her [God-given] body’. A year later, I came home and found her in a child-like state, sort of waving around the remote control and eventually, when the paramedics came, had a pair of scissors and sort of babbling to herself. We found out she had Stage IV cancer that had gone to her brain. She would need chemo, radiation, a stint in the head and a long path of visions that no human should witness of their mother, the only person who seemingly had any sort of long-term connection to you. The start of a path of destruction through forced orphanage, a rebirth from idealized child to idealized child-adult with such pain and lack of any sort of idea of what actual self-value is… or love?

    Lacking any sort of safety net of relationship that stems in loving memory, lack of any sort of ability to take chances in terms of finances or life choices in general… lack of any sort of real view of the world or how it should be lived in and valued… Just nothing. An idealized facade with a blackened soul, so stretched and pulled that it had no idea of how to shine. Without long-term, familial relationships, even examples of such relationships, one cannot even envision healthy future ones. Not at all. Not even slightly – this is why family is not a choice and why people really end up alone and unhappy, begging God or whomever to answer what they had ever done, when in fact, they themselves grew up to be living hellions of destruction to themselves, and others, without ever acknowledging that they have a real self and that person is probably horrendously ugly, wrapped in tattered shrouds of socially-destructive tendencies ingrained as programming from birth. There are so many people who are like this, you just may not know or may not be able to acknowledge them yourselves.

    A good family, with good values and good role-model figures provides such a higher success rate than going without. Which leads to not even ever imagining what that life could be, or not even knowing you didn’t have such. The successes and chances a person can take are so much greater with a sense of support and security, but sometimes one goes a lifetime destroying themselves over and over, destroying everyone around them and just reliving their lives as the children they never grew up from. Personally, I have started really acknowledging myself as a person and my own responsibility for the way my life has turned out and am yearning to start living as a pinnacle of goodness. It’s very much a day to day process, but that’s why this blog is here.

    **There’s probably so much to say about this and get into more detail, but there’s so much left to tell in many different lights, this post is just sort of a highlighter on how to view each piece of the map of my life, my storybook written down in other people trailing in flames that hopefully have finally caught on my soul to shine for the future.









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  • How to Use Religion

    Religion is one of those touchy subjects that, even as a word in the title of something, gets a really horrible rap. Religion itself is more or less the ideologies that one follows in order to rationalize their existence in the order of life. The word ‘religion’ sparks an almost bitter taste defined by how we ourselves accept the view of it as presented in the modern forms most commonly accepted by the modern world.

    When we speak about religion, and all religious texts, we must always remember that true human nature is defined by our soul’s ever-yearning desire to do goodness and provide goodness to the world around it from the perspective of accepting that we are but a infinitely small dot of color in a painting that is millions of miles wide and that only from the colors around us do we ourselves stand out, look beautiful and provide beauty to the observer. Religion, in itself, is not inherently bad because most religions are trying to preach a path that is wholly more righteous and sensitive to our humanity than the path that most of said humanity currently walks. This is not a goal of evil, but one of true soul validation.

    We see ourselves, in religion, as the enemy of our own life, a sort of obstacle that fumbles in it’s own path that must be tamed through various levels of asceticism and ritual. This is, in fact, true! The problem is that, in the western world, we actually fall for the fallacy that the Abrahamic religions teach that God will wash away the ‘sin’ [socially destructive, Cluster-B behavior] by simple repentance. While this is not true in most religions, this is the most popularly digested form of religion for the western world. This idea, bred into youth at a young age through many forms of media that, even indirectly, provide this message of immediate repentance in many storylines. It sets up the false belief that we can act however we want, effectively children, and eventually the father figure will come and save us at any moment of freewill, at 50 or 75 years of age, even. This allows socially destructive behaviors to have a ‘justify switch’ somewhere deep within a human. There are many layers of this ‘I can be saved… later’ mentality that have very profound effects, but for now I am staying on the topic of using religion effectively.

    So, how can we use religion?

    We must start looking at religion through a global perspective, taking all religious aspects that we see as valuable and applying them into our lives. Many religions have very, very similar messages about the everyday interactions we have with our reality. We see many different ways of practicing religion and many different ways of believing in divinity. That’s a lot of decisions to be made, no?

    Well, no! First off, it takes yourself making a small change in your daily patterns of thinking and nurturing a small seed of inner joy from actively, positively affecting the world around us, seeing the world as one of positivity and result rather than one of lack of control and chaos. You must first start to nurture joy from all aspects of your life by realizing positivity in your actions, the positivity that you bring to the lives of others and your future, improved self. When you gain gratitude and love from others for being actively kind and unselfish, you will start to feel that seed sprouting inside of yourself. For every deliberate, positive change you make in your behavior, and you catch yourself noticing, the seed will receive a little bit of water and grow, needing more of that oh-so-precious water. This is where religion can help!

    When we speak about the term ‘religion’ in relation to the self, we usually consider ourselves, in English, to be ‘followers’ of that religion. In many aspects of life we are considered as ‘following’ and this rhetoric applies to those situations as well. This creates a real sinkhole for how we view ourselves in relation to the ultimate goal of perfection through action and absolute peace during inaction. We view ourselves as chasing the goal when we are actually, by intentional change in our behavior patterns and how we view ourselves in reference to those behaviors, leaders of the religion. This can be a dangerous thought process in reference to narcissism, but, for now, you can feel empowered by your new outlook.

    The religions of our Earth can seem various and separate in many aspects, but we can boil a lot of religious doctrine down to pro-social or socially destructive behaviors. Keep in mind, justifying any sort of action by relating it to that day’s society is a terrible attribution. Always remember, the winners write the history. If societies past weren’t living in a totally pro-social manner then that doesn’t mean that we, in the modern age, have any more right to uphold such behavior. When we accept anything other than pro-social motivations, we validate the negativity that we are always choosing to live against. In relation to religion, specifically, this means that we should be choosing the parts of religion that support a pro-social society and reject those that don’t. There are profound decisions to make about the soul and gender / any social issue imaginable, but there are many, many posts to come to iron out how we view this reality.

    Divine source? God? Agnostic? Atheist? -ist? It’s okay!* Focusing on positive, deliberate action, at first, will fulfill one of the really important holes that are poked in the majority of society’s lives. On this Earth, we have very few essentials necessary to create happiness. Happiness is one of those words that shouldn’t exist because it’s definition can be manipulated very easily. One very present value of all religions are our own satisfaction with our lives through living in a pro-social manner. There are various, VARIOUS twists on how to go about living this way, but I think it best to break it down to pro-social / socially destructive. The idea of a presence of divinity is one that, after a lot of study and practice of this positive-minded lifestyle, will come to you. I think it’s actually very natural to question who you are and where you come from. This is at the heart of all living and under all layers of outer distraction.

    Also, your personal belief system on how you got here and where you go will thoroughly hinder or uplift the process of living positively.

    Choosing a religion without a god-source, like Buddhism, is a wonderful prospect, but remember that your practice must follow-through to all of your daily life. It must start to permeate every aspect of your being, your thoughts and your awareness. Getting to total self-awareness is one of those deal-breakers in this world. We have been blinded to our own humanity in many ways and this is one of them. You don’t have to choose a religion, but defining pro-social behavior becomes monumental when many religions break it down to simple terms. These terms definitely require real, critical thought and I will be writing on some of these universal beliefs.

    For now, just remember that religion is not bad. It is not inherently good without you leading by example. Religion can be used for many purposes, but personal revelations are the most important at the moment. When you need to start, you need to dive in head first and you will be the first to feel that cold water. Religions all have valid aspects to them, as long as those aspects promote pro-social behavior. In choosing, don’t worry about your views on God or divinity. All religions build a foundation and will hopefully lead you to conclusions through this path. Be at peace!

    *There will be a lot on my ideas of actual divinity and the presence / absence of God in later posts, but there are really fundamental questions that need some tending to for people reaching out for happiness and guidance. My views are not reflecting an Abrahamic call to Jesus or God in anyway, either. I am just trying to break the prison of negativity that has been built so callously around many people.


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  • My Soul

    Have you ever wondered about your soul? What do you imagine when you hear that word? There are hundreds of thousands of books out there on the idea of the soul and what it is, could be and how it affects us as humanity… so many big ideas really tightly wrapped in a lot of quotes and different points of view. It’s a hugely important topic to most, if not all, religions and belief systems around our world.

    My opinion on this can be taken as a psychological placebo for living positively or, if not, a very profound sense of inner light or inner life that… has the ability to change the other souls around you. The first is actually still valid if only to inspire the second once the layers of the onion start peeling back. The second is where I have found myself after about 21 years of believing in nothing at all divine… or having any real opinions on such.

    For me, one’s personal opinion of the soul is one of the most important psychological aspects of living in our current reality. Think about it: who will live in a more pro-social, positive-for-the-whole manner? The man who believes that he will live on through his worldly achievements and who dies with his body or the man who believes that his duty is to live for the whole, seeing himself as one speck and his fellow man as other specks all part of the same picture? This is probably not the best example because your definition of ‘positive-for-the-whole’ can be extremely varied. I feel that the most positive for society sort of definition would be ‘all behaviors that facilitate keeping modern humanity fed, with water, clothed and sheltered that also keep the Earth itself healthy, ability to thrive and sustain future humanity [addendum for some: and to attend to that natural instinct, from the soul, to treat each other as if we are one and the same, never separate]’.

    That last bracket-y part is really for this article – the soul is what makes you start to live in a way that promotes positivity in every minute interaction with the world that you have. There are positive ways for picking up a pencil! Anything! There are so many ways to start to feel this inane sense of goodness within you. It really has nothing to do with religion, but more of a natural instinct that is very much buried within you a lot of times. We are very used to interacting with our own intentions in mind that we even start misinterpreting the words of others because there’s so much said that is rumbling, manipulating, under the surface. This is part of passive aggression and why it is so horrible and associated with horrible personality traits.

    The soul has a lot to do with intention, as well! It’s really what drives you to actively live in the world being very aware of your interactions and thoughts. Self-awareness is one of those amazing traits that we as humans possess – vanity is the reason for the negativity that is also associated with the term. Knowing the self is a very important step in Yoga, what does that even mean? It’s when you start noticing everything in your world and start processing it at the same speed as it comes, in real-time, and are actively engaging yourself to behave differently. It sounds very easy, but it’s really not!

    It’s very difficult to keep yourself aware and be ‘on the ball’ with every action you make, but it’s very simple to start practicing the positivity. When you perform an action, let’s say doing the dishes, think not how it’s a time-sink or a drag, but about who it will positively affect! Who’s going to use the dishes? You? Your family? Your dog? Even if it’s for yourself, think of how happy you’ll be that you’ll have dishes available for next time you’re hungry! It’s not easy and there are so many situations that are difficult, but our goal is self-awareness! These acknowledgements of good and doing good will soon add up and make you really yearn for more! That’s the soul! That’s what is driving that thirst for goodness. Christians call it a ‘calling’ and there are many other names for such experiences of yearning to be good and do good. This is soooo important for your own experience on Earth and in everything you do.

    For some people, this may seem like a whole lot of waste because they are now totally alone and really are surviving for their own happiness. To these people, it’s very important to know that you have a soul and are worthy, but you also must own everything that lead to the negativity that has spawned in your life. Really. What kind of role did you play? Can you accept your part and really remember how those actions played out? Everything! The younger you do this, the easier and less exhausting it will feel and the more time you have to catch up!

    Again, the soul in you really can be something you don’t believe in, but there are practical ways to live your life better in order to start feeling the same taste of joy inside of yourself. These are very simple methods for loving everything you do and providing yourself in every way to the benefit of others. I think meditation helps do this because it allows for the active practice of stillness in concentration.

    That will be the subject for another post, another time, another day. There’s a lot of these to be coming!

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